news!!

Yes, I'm pregnant! Crazy, I know. Clint and I had finally come to the point of agreement- that we both wanted to try to get pregnant later in 2013- then two weeks later we found out that we already were pregnant! I'm now 11+ weeks and due in mid-October.

Being pregnant comes with a whole whirlwind of emotions! We have been so diligent in praying for peace, the Lord's will to be done and for the health of our baby. And the Lord has kept us from worry (of loosing the baby) and fear thus far (most days). We have had two successful ultrasounds (we saw a heartbeat)! This has encouraged us so much! We have another apt next week and we pray for good news again.

I have been terribly sick! I have been super sick for most of my pregnancies but it usually ends around the 11th or 12th week- so I think this all should be coming to end soon. I have been good for absolutely nothing the past 7 weeks! Poor Clint has been home more helping with the kids and taking over household duties for me. I pretty much eat, sleep, eat and rest. I have no ambition to read, socialize, work, play with the kids, make meals, care about the disastrous house, shower or go anywhere. So thankful for Clint's perfectly timed "lull" in his work allowing him to be home more! I'm sure he is SO ready to get back into his normal work routine.

I feel more confirmation that this might be my last pregnancy (whether the baby lives or dies).  I don't enjoy being pregnant and after 5 times, I've had it! If we feel led to grow our family beyond this it will likely be through adoption. It's so hard being sick while trying to deal with 3 littles ones! Despite being so sick, I'm trying to "soak" it in the best I can in case this is the last time.

Since we have been more at peace and filled with hope we have allowed ourselves to dream a bit. I have already borrowed a friend's maternity clothing. I'm thinking of baby names, etc. We are trying to assume this baby will live- through a miracle of the Lord! In my previous 3 pregnancies we were filled with anxiety and fear and it was not helpful. We did not allow ourselves to dream. We assumed the baby wouldn't make it. Sad, I know. But the Lord has really worked in our hearts in the past year as we grieved and worked through loss more Biblically (through the help of Christian counselors), so we are at a much better place this time around.  God has been so faithful!

The resounding question coming to mind lately is- do we want Jesus more than anything? More than our dreams? More than biological children? More than a satisfying marriage? More than a nice home? More than the security of a huge savings account? I may never understand why God brought us through 3 baby losses but I can say it has brought me deeper into relationship with him. At first I wasn't content with that outcome. But then I realized, if my ultimate goal in life is to have more of him- then I can live without fear of death, health problems, financial stress and even baby loss because anything the Lord brings my way- good or bad- will be for my ultimate good- drawing me closer to Christ!  So this is the hope we have and the prayer we often tearfully pray: "give us more of you Jesus, no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy, we want you more than our worldly dreams being fulfilled".  Because having another biological child will not bring me ultimate joy and satisfaction- that is a need only God can fill.

Please pray for us! Your prayers are so important to us at this time! Knowing we already have an army of people lifting us up has been such an encouragement to us! We are not walking this journey alone!

a desire to grow

It feels hard knowing where to start, as I've been away from the blog for quite some time. But I do miss posting on here and hope to be posting more regularly again. I am working on some blog posts and blog changes as well- so bare with me during "construction".  I don't know much about computers but I'm slowly learning so I can make the blog more user friendly.

So this January [can't believe it's February already] Clint and I decided to set some goals. I guess we have in the past years too but this year it's a little more serious. Several people and factors have drawn us to evaluate ourselves. When we took time to accurately look at ourselves, where we've been and where we're headed- it was overwhelming. Facing reality can be quite difficult. But in order to grow, to move forward, we have to know who we are and see ourselves truly. We must push through the discouragement in order to change. Change comes with daily practices that turn into habits and form lasting change. We can only work at it one day at a time.

Clint and I realized that we have been lazy, distracted, busy and stagnant in certain areas of our lives. We were thankful to see growth in some areas but unless we keep growth in the forefront of our minds it's easy to coast. Then soon enough you start to look lukewarm.  Change is a slow and steady process for our whole lives and we want it.

Self-evalution can plunge us into dispair or it can motivate us to set goals, to do something, to change. Change does take much motivation, determination, hard work and perseverance. It is not for the faint of heart. We must not be content with complacency. When we make "the world" our standard, we probably look pretty good. But when the bar is set on the Word- we often don't measure up. The world is not our benchmark. We must remember there is always room for personal growth. But all that said, it does take the work in the Holy Spirit in our lives to produce change. It's impossible to muster up the strength within ourselves to produce lasting change that is honoring to the Lord. And ultimately that is the underlying goal of change for us, as believers. Through all our goals- we want to draw nearer to the Lord, to make the most of this limited time we have here and impact our children and the world, that they might know Christ. To do things that matter. To be good stewards of our lives: our time, our money, our energy, our thoughts, our possessions, our talents- all for HIM.

The 7 areas we evaluated are: spiritual, intelectual, family, physical, career, finances, social.

Spiritual- how are we growing in the Lord? Time in the word? Prayer. Worship- individual, family, corporate. Church involvement. Utilizing our gifts. (Clint and I decided to do a 2-year Bible reading plan and it's going well thus far).

Intellectual- how are we perusing continued learning? Are we humble? Are we eager? Reading. Education. Expanding our minds. Thinking outside the box. Mentorship.

Family- How are we doing as a husband/wife/father/mother? Are we laying down our lives for our family? Are needs getting met? How often and how do we spend family time? Family devotions, family vision, mission statement.

Physical- exercise, eating habits, nutrition, being at a healthy weight, caring for our bodies, being in-shape.

Career- (for me that means mothering/teaching my children since I stay at home full time and homeschool Addie)- Does it suit your gifts? Are we flourishing? How can we strive to preform our jobs better or find a better fitting job? Am I giving it my all? Room for advancement?

Finances- tithing, debt payoff, charitable giving, saving, living on a budget, making more money yet living on less.

Social- Building current friendships, reaching out to neighbors, outreach, community building, play groups, card clubs, being hospitable, church involement.

Clint and I each set our own goals in each category but they are on the save wavelength, so we are moving in tandem- towards change, towards Christ. Spurring each other on to be different in a month from now, a year from now, 5 years from now. Fighting against defeat when we don't live out our goals every day.

Goals must be attainable. They can not be lofty. Not too easy but not ridiculous either. There must be an action plan to implement each goal. A car and final destination in mind doesn't get you from point A to point B. We must have a plan and map to guide us. Small steps daily lead to change. We must keep in mind to celebrate small successes.

Much of goal setting is simply being intentional. If we are just wondering aimlessly, we will not grow. Is there meaning behind what we do?  How we act? What we say? How we spend out money? How we spend our time? Are we different? Are we reflecting Christ? Is our word reliable? Do our lives align with what we preach? Are we loving big? We ask ourselves these questions to prevent coasting. Coasting is a wasted life! We are fighting the battle of faith so we don't find ourselves waking up to life in our 40s, 50s or 60s saying "we've wasted it"!

Don't read this and think "it's too late; January is long gone"! The beginning of the year can be a great time to evaluate and set goals but there is no magic in the new calendar. Every day is an opportunity to start fresh, so today is just as good as January 1st.

Instagram dump: November

I really hope that I can dump these more often, like weekly, so they don't get so ridiculously long. But here is to catching up-

Birthday Girl

Rice Crispy Birthday Cake

family pictures day

I love a clean vanity- hence why I can often be caught cleaning my bathroom at 11:20 at night

Birthday Boy with a train ice cream cake

Spencer playing with one of his gifts- Magna-tiles (thanks Angel!!!)

Clint installing the kitchen at our new house on my birthday

Violet loves to help dad!!

It's feel a little odd when I have to drive Clint's work van- going to get countertops

basement is all cleaned out at our old house- progress

Clint installing tile at 12:30am- he had been working since 7am the day before

all the sub-contractors where finishing up work on the same day- the day of our move- not ideal! 

Drumstick Dash- 10k with my sister Mariah on Thanksgiving morning

our bedroom the week we moved in

Our living room the week we moved in- its was like a corn maze in our house

Clint and I have been frequent patrons of Starbucks and Caribou the past two months- come 2013 we need to nip that poor habit in the bud

hot chocolate after playing outside in the cold snow

My favorite thing about the kitchen- a pull-out cutting board with a whole to throw the veggie waste (from cutting) into the trash. Thanks to pinterest and my awesome hubby!

my tea drawer

hooks are up in the entry way/mud room (old kitchen)

kitchen- i love glass jars

deciding on a gray paint color for the kitchen: apparently khakis is also called gray

farm sink with curtain

cranberry almond scones- yum!

Costco- sesame chicken, not impressed- pretty but no flavor

Violet confused the commercial toilet paper roll for opening a present! ; )

1am putting together the last of the 6 Ikea chairs- arg! 

flowers from Clint

a long silence.....

Wow- it's been SO long since I've posted! I'm actually saddened about that; that I haven't documented much of our year, let alone all the crazy events in the past month and half. I guess, I can back track a bit. Well the reason why I haven't posted is because I have almost no time to be on my computer. We have been so busy with packing/moving/unpacking, many birthdays, Clint working long hours while I survive being a single parent most days until recently (praise the Lord- we are all alive still). We have been busy dealing with life's issues. And it's more important to LIVE life well then to document it on a blog in a cute way. So that is where I have been. I have been posting more often on Instagram just because it's on my phone and takes 5 seconds to post something. So, if there are any readers out there still, hang in there....more to come in the coming days/weeks/months hopefully.

sad day- busy week

Today is a sad day. Today was my due date for baby number 4. Hard to imagine our family with a newborn this week! How fun and crazy that would have been! As I laid awake in bed last night I remembered how excited Addie was when we told her we were pregnant this spring. We captured it on video and it was such a priceless "Addie" reaction. Oh, the let down. Even the other day Addie asked me when I am going to get pregnant again. To which I answered, "I don't know sweety, God might not allow me to be pregnant again or have a baby".  Then yesterday- as she breast fed her baby (for pretend) with my nursing cover, she says "well, if you don't have any more babies then I can just keep this nursing cover for play". Such a simple, sweet and innocent comment, but it cut to my heart. I am supposed to be using that breastfeeding cover with a real baby! {sigh} So hard that I share my dream for more babies with her; to see her let-down and at the same time feel my ache inside and I can't nothing about it. Life is just not as easy as I once imagined it. The innocence was stripped from us earlier than I had hoped. It's interesting to reflect over particular moments (such as the ultrasound at 10 weeks on April 12th this spring), so quick and out of our control, how it can change everything. Just a single moment...and everything is different, shattered. 

However, there is hope! And I'm resting in that today. Believing in a sovereign, loving God is my ONLY hope! It's what I desperately cling to these days. How can God be loving in THIS you might ask- well, He is. He sees the whole puzzle but I am only staring at my one piece, perplexed. This makes sense, because he sees how beautiful it is when the puzzle is finished, as a whole. But piece by piece my life seems rather painful. God loves me so much that he is saving me from my greatest danger: self-reliance. My greatest need is salvation. So, if self-reliance prevents me from savoring Christ and keeps me from everlasting life and joy in him. THEN, the most loving thing God can do for me is knock me to my knees in utter helplessness, reaching for HIM! And this is exactly what 3 baby losses, 2 job layoffs, selling our house because we could no longer afford it, 5 job changes in 5 years, 4 house moves in 2 1/2 years, a long, draining adoption process, a tough post-adoption adjustment and all the other disappointments in relationships will do to me- draw me closer to him! He loves me too much to allow me to be self-sufficent and find joy in my husband, my children, my dreams for having biological children, my money, my education, my status, my popularity, my clothing, my house, my appearance. When life is good, smooth and easy I find joy in worldly things and I stray from the Lord...it's a false security really. I build up confidence that I have all I need right here on earth, that I have it all together and nothing could get better. But nothing could be further from the truth! We were made for Heaven and we're not supposed to find ultimate satisfaction in the things of this world. Some days it's hard to imagine anything better than my awesome marriage with Clint (for example). But Christ has surpassingly greater worth than my deep love for Clint! My marriage with Clint is only an earthly glimpse of the fullfillment  knowing Christ brings and the infinite joy there will be in heaven! So what man views as tragedy- God sees as salvation- which is the ultimate good! The hard part is that HOPE doesn't erase pain! Life still is harsh and there is grief that needs to happen. I'm still learning how grief, depression and hope collide; because I'm there and it's tough. How can I glorify Christ in my sorrow, in all the disappointments around me? It's the question I'm currently seeking much counsel for...because it's the title of the season I'm in. I pray that I can live for Christ. And in my joy and in my grief I can reflect the ultimate joy I have IN HIM. And if all these trials only bring salvation to one person (namely me) then so be it- it's worth it. Because all I have is Christ!

So those are my thoughts about my sad day. Here is a bit about our busy week: this might be the busiest week of the year for our family- appointments, Bible Study, family pictures, 3 birthdays, craft fair, packing and moving, Clint working endless hours trying to finish the house for us to move, etc. God's timing sure is interesting. 

The pathway is broken 
And The signs are unclear 
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here 
But just because You love me the way that You do 
I'm gonna walk through the valley 
If You want me to 

Chorus: 
Cause I'm not who I was 
When I took my first step 
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet 
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you 
Then I will walk through the fire 
If You want me to 

It may not be the way I would have chosen 
When you lead me through a world that's not my home 
But You never said it would be easy 
You only said I'd never go alone 

So When the whole world turns against me 
And I'm all by myself 
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help 
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through 
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

by ginny owens song if you want me to

instagram dump

Ok, so maybe the newness of instagram hasn't worn off yet- because this is a lot of pictures! 

Sorry no captions.